One Hell of a Skeleton Detective
by Epic F. Awesomesauce
Summary: Lia was just your average girl until she cast a magic spell she found on the internet, summoning her a demon butler called Sebastian. Not soon after, a walking talking, magical skeleton detective and his partner burst in shouting about how she's Darquesse's only true rival. Who are these people? And what the hell are they talking about? (Will contain more characters, heh heh!)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

"'Come hither, ancient souls, and give to me what I ask: a servant to serve me until death, who will then steal my last breath.'" Lia finished. A sudden wind blew up from inside the pentacle she had drawn with chalk, mussing her short black hair. She waited with bated breath, wondering if anything else would happen. A minute went by, then five, then five more, and just as she was about to give up and go back up to her room, a sudden explosion took place inside the pentacle. Fire roared towards her face, searing her eyebrows and bangs, before going out soundlessly. A doorway appeared in the middle of the pentacle, and a man stepped through, looking rather cross, possibly because of his impossibly high heeled boots. How did they even do that, make a heel as thin as a small icicle hold up a man like that? Oh, and what a man he WAS. Tall, black hair, pale, beautiful face. Even with that cross expression he was gorgeous.

Lia didn't buy it.

"Seriously? Demons get plastic surgery too?" she asked him, disappointed.

The man looked down at her, offended. "What do you mean 'plastic surgery?' I've had this face ever since I was created, you know."

Lia sadly shook her head. "Yeah yeah, can it, Barbie Doll. You're going back to hell." Lia searched around for the piece of paper she had printed off of Google holding the summoning spell and the counter-summoning spell.

Suddenly the wall behind her blew up and out of the debris walked a strange, too thin man and a girl with black hair and clothes and a bitchy expression.

"Are you Lia?" asked the man. "I'm Skulduggery Pleasant, and this is my partner, Valkyrie Cain. We're here to unlock your magical powers."

"Too late for that," Lia said absently. "I unlocked my powers a couple hours ago, right before I summoned Sebby here," she jerked a thumb over her shoulder at the demon in the pentacle. "and now I'm about to send him back. You might wanna step back out that hole over there before I do that, though, or else you might get blown up." Skulduggery and Valkyrie oblige politely, stepping back out of the hole.

"Good," Lia says happily. "Now, all I have to do is send Sebby back-" Suddenly her head was jerked upward by a hand cupping her chin.

"You don't want to send me back already, do you?" he asked sexily, with a sexy smirk. Lia felt her head go fuzzy. "After all, you can make me do... anything... you... want." Lia blinked slowly, thinking about this.

"Well, y'know, I guess you can stay." Lia finally decided. Sebastian smile down at her, then stepped out of the pentacle.

"Thank you very much," he said. "Now, what would you like me to do with those people out there? Kill them, or let them be until they attack you?"

"Oh, just let them be," Lia said. "They're normal people."

Sebastian gave her a strange look. "They blew a hole in your wall."

She cocked her head to the side as she answered. "Your point?"

Sebastian shrugged dismissively. "Well, if it's okay with you." He walked towards the hole in the wall. "I'll go ask them what they're here for."

"Okay," answered Lia, watching him go. "Damn, he's hot," she muttered to herself, hoping that he couldn't hear her with his evil demon powers. He flashed her a smile over his shoulder and she found herself blushing. He could hear her.

Ten minutes later, Lia, Sebastian, Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain were all sitting down for tea in Lia's kitchen. Sebastian had learned quite a lot about making tea in his time serving Ciel Phantomhive, and he put that knowledge to good use, making the most delicious tea Lia had ever tasted. Of course, she had only ever had tea once before in her life, and it had been cold and stale, so nearly anything could be better than that.

Lia took a small sip of tea, feeling prim and proper. "So, why are you here?" she asked Skulduggery, completely ignoring Valkyrie, who looked like a pain to deal with. Skulduggery took a polite sip of tea, somehow managing to spill it all over his fancy suit in the process (Valkyrie rolled her eyes at this, and Sebastian stared at him as if he were the stupidest thing he'd ever seen in his life), then said to Lia, "Well, you see, we're here to have you kill Valkyrie in case she ever goes crazy."

"I see," Lia said, taking another sip of tea. "And why do you think I'd be able to help?"

"Because we have reason to believe that you are the only person in existence besides Lord Vile who can stop Valkyrie's alter ego, Darquesse." Skulduggery took another sip of tea and spilled it all over himself yet again.

"I see." Lia said knowingly. She looked at Sebastian. He looked back at her. They both nodded.

"You're insane," they said together. Lia chugged down the rest of her tea, set the mug back down on the table, and then stood up.

"Please leave now," she said. "I don't believe you one little bit."

"What if I could prove it to you?" asked Skulduggery, setting his mug down.

"How do you plan on doing that?" Lia asked.

"Like this." Skulduggery tapped himself on the collarbone and his face melted off, leaving nothing but a skull. Lia screamed, jumped up from the table, threw her mug at Skulduggery, then sat back down, calm again.

"So you're a skeleton?" she asked.

"Yes. Believe me now?"

"Um... no. You said you could prove that your story was true, but all you did was prove that you're a skeleton."

Valkyrie brushed her hair out of her face in a pretty girl gesture, then stood up. "Just ask Sebastian. He knows." she said.

Lia looked at Sebastian. "Is this true?" she asked.

Sebastian took a polite sip of tea. "Yes," he said. "Valkyrie does indeed have an evil alter ego, as does Skulduggery. And you, of course. Seems as if we're all evil here."

Lia looked back to Skulduggery. "And you want me to do what exactly?" she asked.

"I want to train you so that if Valkyrie ever goes alter ego on everything, you can stop her."

Lia gave Skulduggery a look. His empty eye sockets stared right back at her, looking like, well, two big holes in his face. Except that he didn't have a face.

"Okay then," she finally said with a shrug. "I don't care. It'd be cool to be able to use magical powers, right?" She frowned suddenly as a thought struck her. "But, hey, how do you know if I won't just turn out as evil as Darquesse?"

Skulduggery cocked his head to the side as he considered this. "I don't." he said finally. "I just figured that it's the best plan we have, right?"

They all nod.

"Okay then," Lia said. "Where do we start?"

"Well, not here. We're going to have to go back to my place." answered Skulduggery.

"Well then, let's go." Lia said impatiently, standing up. Skulduggery flapped his hand at her.

"Not yet," he said. "We don't have to leave yet. Let's just finish our teat first." He brought his mug to his skull and dumped all the tea through his jawbone and onto his suit. They all stared at him. "Delicious," he pronounced, setting the mud back down on the table. "You make good tea." He told Sebastian. "Now, let's go!"

Fifteen minutes later they are all sitting on the couch located in Skulduggery's living room, doing nothing. When asked exactly what Skulduggery had planned for Lia's magical education, he came up blank. When Valkyrie was asked, she said that she thought Skulduggery was planning something. Only Sebastian had any ideas, and his were flat out... demonic. They included abandoning her in midair to figure it out in the freefall, abandoning her under water for her to figure it out, and abandoning her underground for her to figure it out.

"Well, someone's hungry for souls," Lia had said grumpily. Sebastian had only smiled a creepy, rape-face smile, then gone back to doing nothing, same as the rest of them.

After a couple minutes of staring off into space like morons, Lia finally said, "So, does anyone want to play a board game?" They all turned to look at her, then shrugged unanimously.

"What the hell, why not." says Valkyrie. Everyone else seemed to agree, so they sent Sebastian out to buy Sorry and began playing.

It soon became apparent exactly how they should train Lia: stick her (like Sebastian had said) in a bad situation and let her figure it out. She was super lucky-meaning that they played Sorry fifteen times and each time she won in twelve moves: getting one pawn out using two, going backwards four, then getting the card needed to get her right into the Home space. She won every single time, making everyone but Sebastian frustrated at her. Sebastian could put up with things like that because of his time spent with Ciel, who always won EVERYTHING, even if he had Sebby when for him most of the time.

"Well," said Skulduggery after the fifteenth game. He had managed to get out this time, though he hadn't gotten anywhere. "I think I should drop Lia off in midair and see what happens."

"Okay," Valkyrie said. "I'm going to go home and hang out with my baby sister." She got up and left.

"I'll catch Lia when she falls," Sebastian said, somehow making this sound very romantic and sexy.

"Cool," said Lia. "I'm a bit nervous about the falling thing, but I'd love to be caught by you, Sebastian." She gave him a look. He gave her a look. Skulduggery awkwardly cleared his throat.

"So, let's go then," Skulduggery said. He grabbed Lia around the waist and flew out the door and up into the air, way above the city. When they were high enough that Lia had trouble breathing, he let her go. Lia fell, screaming, towards the ground below.

**A/N Okay, so this is probably the absolute weirdest thing I've ever come up with, ever. I know it's not very good, and it doesn't have much of a plotline, but just the thought of these two stories colliding sends me into a fit of hysteric giggles, so I just had to share it. If any other readers share a love of these two subjects, you can review or PM me, which I will reply to and we can laugh over how weird this thing is.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

As Lia fell, she considered the events of the past couple of hours. First, she had gone to school, not learned anything, and gotten chocolate milk thrown at her for her trouble. Then, searching the internet randomly, she had typed in "spell to summon demon" and wound up with a spell that actually summoned her a demon, though he was a demon butler, which was better. Then, a random girl around her age and a walking, talking, magical skeleton detective had shown up to awaken her magical powers so that she could, presumably, kill the girl if her alter ego ever got loose again. It was like a dream, except that it was much to bloody and disgusting to be a dream. It wasn't a nightmare, though, because Sebastian was too hot.

Absentmindedly, she looked down and saw that the ground was closer to her than she had thought it would be, and that Sebastian was watching gleefully from the sidelines, just waiting for her to die so he could eat her soul. Feeling pissed off that he thought she would die without ordering him to fuck her at least once, Lia held out her hands and stopped herself midfall. She then flipped Sebastian off, as he looked disappointed, and waited for Skulduggery Pleasant to show up and tell her how to land. He didn't so Lia dropped herself, landing flat on her stomach, which hurt.

She got to her feet and dusted herself off, giving Sebastian the evil eye. He gave her a sneaky smile, sneaky meaning that it was super sexy, which made her anger fade away immediately.

Trying to look and act haughty, Lia got up and walked away from Sebastian, not looking at him. She boredly waited for Skulduggery to show up, but he didn't, and after around ten seconds, Lia and her short attention span had had enough. Lia turned and walked away, vaguely wondering if there were any coffee shops around here in which she could find some sugar- and caffeine-loaded drink that had whipped cream on it. Suddenly she was worn out, and she knew that not only would something absolutely unhealthy like that make her less so, it was just delicious.

It took her a couple minutes to realize Sebastian was following her, and when she did, she got a really creepy feeling, like you do in the middle of the night while you're reading a horribly scary ghost story, and you live in the basement. She stopped walking, then slowly turned around... to find that Sebastian was just following her, looking as butler-ish as ever. She turned back around, still feeling creeped out, and continued walking.

As she was walking, she was imagining what the coffee would taste like, and what kind she would get, and so it took her quite a while to notice the fog slowly drifting around her... not that fog was anything new in Ireland, it's just that it had been such a sunny, almost summer day... and also, the fog seemed to just be surrounding her, because every once in a while it would part and she would see bright sunlight shining on the surrounding buildings. With a bad feeling coiling in the pit of her stomach, she turned around to look at Sebastian. To her surprise, he wasn't standing behind her, smiling creepily. Instead, he was looking around at the fog suspiciously, as if he expected someone to jump out and attack him.

Suddenly Sebastian whirled around to face her, making her jump (literally) around three feet in the air. He looked past her, seeming like he was listening intently, and so she turned around as well and listened. After a couple seconds, she made out a sound: footsteps. She slowly backed up towards Sebastian, getting an awful feeling about the footsteps.

"Who's that?" she whispered quietly. He didn't answer, but he did step a bit closer to her, as if he was getting ready to pick her up and run. She tingled at the thought.

Suddenly the fog parted and out walked a young boy with silver hair, an eye patch, and one red eye. He was wearing a black shirt with a bloody skull on it, ripped up black jeans, huge platform boots, and lots and lots of spikes. The look was complete with black lipstick, eyeliner, and mascara. He jerked his head, flipping his hair out of his eye, then looked disdainfully at Lia.

"THIS is your new master?" he asked. "Wow. Your taste is getting awful." He walked forwards towards Lia, surprisingly graceful even with the huge boots, and examined her face. He must've been quite short without the boots, because he and Lia were the same height when he was wearing them.

"Lia, I think we ought to be leaving soon," Sebastian said politely, grabbing Lia's arm. "There's someone unsavory here at the moment." His voice would sound normal to anyone who didn't know how the second season of Black Butler ended. Lia knew how it ended. She also knew that there could be a very huge demon fight developing soon. She was looking forward to it, as long as she didn't get involved.

"I'm unsavory now, Sebastian?" Ciel asked.

"You were always unsavory," Sebastian said. It felt unnatural for him not to say "young master" at the end. "I only stayed with you for your soul, and sadly, now I can't even eat it."

Ciel smirked, looking away from Lia to talk to Sebastian. He had to crane his head upwards, but even though Ciel was much shorter and a child, Lia felt like he was the boss. Seeing Sebastian and Ciel together made her remember all the times she had browsed Black Butler comics on the internet, seeing not only funny comics, but also very gay doujinshi.

"You can still eat me." Ciel stated. Lia felt herself getting faint.

"I already have." Sebastian smirked back. Lia leaned against a nearby wall for support.

"I don't remember this," Ciel said with a slight frown.

Sebastian's smile grew unerringly wide. "You were asleep."

Ciel pouted. "Well, that's no fun." he said. "I wasn't even lucid."

"Your point?" Sebastian asked sexily. Well, no, not sexily. Everything he said was sexy. This one was just a sexy statement, so it seemed sexier than most of the other things he said.

Ciel was just opening his mouth to speak when Skulduggery walked by, whistling a song called "The Girl From Ipanema." He stopped when he saw him, and if skulls could register surprise, Lia got the feeling he would've looked like a sexy demon face-off happened every day.

"Well, hello there. What are all of you doing?" he asked, coming to a stop, hands in his pockets.

"They were verbally fucking," Lia answered immediately. Ciel turned haughtily to look at Skulduggery, not even blinking at the skeleton detective.

"I was just saying that I was joining your strange group thing." he answered. Skulduggery's jaw dropped open, which looks funnier on a skeleton than you might think.

"No. Way." he said in his best shocked American teenage girl voice, a strange thing to hear from an Irish skeleton.

"I second that motion?!" Lia said, sounding as if she was asking a question. "What do you mean you're joining our group? We don't even have a group, and even if we did, why would we let you join?"

Ciel rolled his eyes. He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a huge wad of hundred dollar bills. "You're letting me join because I'm going to pay you this." he said, holding the money out to Lia. Lia stared at the money, eyes wide, then looked back at Ciel's jeans.

"How'd that all fit in there?" she asked, confused. "I don't understand."

"You're rather daft, aren't you?" Ciel said. "Sebastian, I don't understand what you see in this girl." His British accent grated on Lia's nerves. She was used to the lilting song of the Irish accent, or the beauty of Sebastian's voice, none of which had prepared her for the haughty disregard of a British aristocrat's voice.

"Shut up!" she exclaimed. "You're voice is so stupid!" Ciel gave her a look, which instantly filled her with a cold fear. She had briefly forgotten that Ciel was no ordinary thirteen-year-old. He was, in fact, not even thirteen anymore. More like one hundred thirty or so, by Lia's guesstimation.

"S-sorry," Lia stammered, scared out of her mind. "I-I didn't mean-"

"I agree with Lia," Skulduggery piped up. "You're voice is quite ugly."

Ciel turned to him and hissed, showing that his teeth were sharpened to points. Whether this was a demon thing or if he had had them sharpened at some point, Lia didn't know. She did know that the effect was rather scary, though.

Sebastian's eyes grew wide. "Kitty!" he said, sounding not unlike the little girl from Monsters Inc. Suddenly realizing his mistake, Ciel turns to Sebastian to find him bearing on him, creepy rapist smile plastered across his face. Skulduggery politely turned away, giving Sebby and Ciel a brief moment of privacy before turning to Lia and asking her if she wanted a coffee. Lia tore her gaze away from the sight of Sebastian... well, mistaking Ciel for a cat, and turned to look at Skulduggery.

"S-sure," she said, not quite sure what the hell he had asked her.

"Okay then!" His skull grinned at her, but she couldn't be sure if he himself was grinning, because his skull was always grinning. He began to walk down the sidewalk, which was surprisingly fog-free. Lia followed after him, somehow resisting the urge to just turn back around and... watch, like some sort of pervert. She tried to look forward to her coffee.

**A/N I'm just going to tell everyone now... this story actually has absolutely no plotline. I am basically writing this purely for a big laugh, and I'm posting it so that other people can have a laugh as well. Thank you to whoever reviewed, because your reaction was exactly what I wanted with this thing. :D :D Oh, and for any SP fans out there, reading this, just wait until more SP characters show up... :D Kuroshitsuji fans, watch out, Grell will be making an appearance or seventeen, and they might be just a bit... well. :D :D Hmm... Fletcher and Grell... *evil smile* :) :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

The next day, Skulduggery and Lia were practicing summoning fire (Skulduggery was quite good at it, but Lia kept summoning far too much, and at this point, had burnt off her eyebrows) while Sebastian and Ciel were busy arguing. Ciel was trying to convince Sebastian to come and be his demon butler again, but Sebastian was having none of it. Lia could hardly focus on her magic practice because she was worried that would soon be minus one demon butler, plus one annoyingly smug rich bastard. Just the thought of that made her snap her fingers too hard, sending a twenty-foot burst of flames into the air and burning Skulduggery's hat right off of his head. He sadly watched as the ash that used to be his hat fell onto his suit, and then he turned and began launching fireballs and Lia. She shrieked loudly and instinctively pointed her index finger at him, a bolt of lightning shooting from the tip of it to hit him right in the face. She watched as he writhed and screamed in agony. After just a tad bit too long, she recalled the lightning, somehow. She heard Ciel begin to laugh, and turned and shot lightning at him. There followed an Epic Battle which consisted of her running away screaming while Ciel went all freaky-demon-true-form-psycho on her ass, scaring the fuck out of her. It only stopped when she finally remembered what she was doing and screamed for Sebastian to get his ass over here and kill this bitch.

Sebastian complied.

It was great.

Lia's most bestest creation, in fact.

For the first time, she was glad that Ciel had showed up. She'd never liked him, with his eighteenth-century goth-loli clothes, and his butler that he could order to do kinky things at any time. He was such a... a... pimp, with his big-boobed maid, cutesy gardener, badass cook and super-hot-and-sexy-and-charismatic butler, and even the dog guy from the anime and Snake from the manga were hot. His mansion was like a brothel in which Tanaka did the accounts! Dammit! Tanaka could even fuck old ladies or weird people!

Lia watched gleefully as Sebastian pulled out one of Ciel's eyes, the one without the patch. Sadly, it'll grow back because of his demon powers, but a girl can hope, right? Right. Exactly.

Finally, when Lia decided Ciel had had enough, she said that Sebastian could stop if he wanted, not-so-subtly hinting at the just plain stop without the if you want. Sebastian regretfully complied to her wishes, looking down sadly at Ciel's prone form. He turned to Lia.

"What next?" he asked, extremely sexy smirk in it's rightful place on his extremely sexy mouth.

"Em... um, I dunno." Suddenly, she remember Skulduggery. She turned to look at him, wondering if he was okay after all that lightning she shot at him. He was gone, and she wondered where he had gone until she heard a loathsome, fear-inducing voice.

"Oh, Bassy!" said the one-and-only, extremely gender-confused, modern-day Grell Sutcliff. Lia felt a disgusted shiver run up her spine as she turned to look at him. He was dressed completely differently now than he had been in the anime, all red fishnets and... well, not much else. A pair of platform blood-red boots, the same bright- red trenchcoat as in the anime, and an extremely short and tight-fitting sleek red mini- dress that showed off his surprisingly hot curves. He had also removed the weird, old- lady glasses and was wearing red eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, and lipstick. And... bright red cat ears with a kinky red tail. Oh lord, he was red. Extremely so. It hurt Lia's eyes to look at him, and so she looked away, instead looking at Sebastian, who was a calm and composed black-and-white. He was hot. Grell was not. She just hoped he thought so too.

"Bassy, what are you doing with these two idiots? Come and be my servant. I'll show you a whole other world that'll please your tastebuds to no end-"

Sebastian held up a hand, an I'm-extremely-grossed-out look on his face. "Ew," was all he said, sounding like a bitchy cheerleader looking at an anime geek dressed in her Con regali with her Hetalia doujinshi in hand.

Grell reacted much like the anime geek would if he/she were cool, which is to say, he said, "Oh, you like it like that, huh? I can do that good." He then gave a sultry wink and moved in closer to Sebastian, who had such a look of disgust on his face it made Lia go weak at the knees. Sebastian! With an expression! It was heaven to a- which animal is it heaven to again? A dog? A sheep? Lia gasped as an awful thought crossed her mind: Was Sebastian Scottish? Oh shit, has he ever humped a sheep before? No! No! It can't be, not unless it was a person in a Christmas Pageant! Who was dressed as a sheep!

Grell turned to look at her, nose turned up like he thought he was way better than her. Oh yeah? Well, everyone always knew exactly what sex she was, but she hadn't until she had watched the entire first season of the anime, so he could go and fuck himself like a highschool boy! Or maybe a middle school boy. Not a uni boy, though, because at that point they're not so socially awkward that they can't get a quick squeeze.

Lia sneered at Grell, and he sneered right on back, using his unnerving bitchy- gay powers to make her take a step back. This was someone you did not mess with. Ever. Especially when you couldn't see his soul-ripping chainsaw.

"Bassy," Grell began again, voice grating awfully on Lia's nerves. "Leave these little, em, things," He said "things" in this uber-sexy, wiggling-eyebrows way that even Lia thought was pretty cool, though last she'd checked she didn't particularly have a thing for gay guys. "and come play with me." Grell finished. He leaned waaaay too close to Sebby, so close that their noses were nearly touching, and that's when, like he was holding onto his leash, Will the shinigami showed up, looking pissed and holding his weird clamper thingy like he was gonna slowly hack Grell's head off with it.

"Grell!" he said, grabbing the aforementioned... being, by the back of his shirt... or rather, lack thereof. "Get your ass back to Shinigami Land before I kill you!" He heaved and managed to throw Grell over his shoulder. Lia threw herself frantically at him.

"Teach me how to do that!" she demanded. Will grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder as well, and she levitated in the air and threw lightning at him for his trouble.

Will's appearance hadn't changed much-okay, at all-from the anime. The cut of his suit was different, but that was to be expected. Lia wondered if he was able to walk down the street without a ton of obsessive fangirls chasing after him like rabid hyenas.

"Will, please take that disgusting excuse for a death god away from me," Sebby said primly, looking away from where Grell was sprawled haphazardly across the ground as if the sight was too disgusting for his palate to handle. Lia had to agree with him.

"I don't want to..." Will nearly whined. "I want to kill him. I'm just waiting for the okay from the higher-ups so that I can kill him without getting shoved in shinigami-jail for a couple centuries.

"I could always kill him for you," Sebastian offered with a shrug. "Or have my new master, Lia, take care of him. I'm sure she'd love that." Lia glared at him, pissed by the fact that he'd said "I could have my master" instead of "I could humbly bribe my master with offerings of moonlit sex."

"I don't want to." she said sniffily. "You dicks can kill him yourselves. I'm. Leaving." She humphed and walked away, and that was the end of her adventures for the day. She didn't stay to find out what happened to that disgusting excuse for a... thingy-ma-bob called Grell.

**A/N So, I'm sitting here, wondering if maybe I started sleep-walking and uploading fanfictions... Because the whole third chapter for this was posted as a third chapter for one of my Hetalia fanfictions (awkward) so I have no idea WHAT'S going on... -_- I think I'm sleep walking. Anyways, SORRY!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

The next day, Valkyrie finally showed up again. She was wearing the same clothes she had been before, but this time, for some reason Lia couldn't quite fathom, she was lugging around a baby. Everyone stared at her as she showed up. Grell, Sebastian, Will and Ciel even stopped half-killing each other for a couple moments to stare, open- mouthed, at the baby. Every hate-filled action stopped. Being around a baby had the same, calming effect as being around a pregnant lady, which was kinda weird.

Once everyone was done being shocked, they all went over to Valkyrie and started cooing over the baby. Well, not everyone. Sebastian, Will, and Lia don't, though Lia wanted too, but Skulduggery, Ciel, and Grell did, which would creep Lia out if it was her baby, but apparently Valkyrie was goddamn cool with it.

Lia stood a ways away, pouting with her arms crossed, kind of trying to have that cute look some anime girls get when they pout, and failing miserably. She looked more like... well, a pissed off girl who's jealous of a flippin' old demon kid who wears stilts- s'cuse me, platform boots.

"What's upsetting you?" asked Will, cold but polite.

Lia growled at him, making him look at her in shock. Sebastian daintily raised a white-gloved hand to his mouth and sniggered gleefully at the two of them, making Lia growl louder. She stopped only when she remembered a Kuroshitsuji joke she'd seen online.

"Omfg," she finally blurted, going all fangirl. "Is Claude actually your lovechild?!"

"It was the catnip tequila!" Will said, almost before she was finished talking. Sebastian just smirked and said. "Wouldn't you like to know."

Lia gazed at him dreamily. "I would love to see you and Captain Jack Harkness locked up in a gym storage room together." She sighed. "It would be... delicious." They both looked at her, not understanding. "Come on, we're all Brits here-I mean, I am and Irish anime freak, but even I've watched Doctor Who. Do you guys live under a rock or something?" she asked, frustrated.

Will shifted uncomfortably. "Well, Shinigami-Land isn't exactly a hot spot for, well, anything."

Sebastian smiled at her, wiggling his eyebrows. "What need have I for human television when I can just eat the souls of it's viewers?" Will smacked Sebastian, and Lia shivered. She had forgotten that, though Sebastian was the absolute sexiest guy ever to exist, ever, since he made such damn-good cakes and was a servant AND killed people with silverware-not to mention he was just Da Shit-he was still a rather evil, soul- sucking demon who would like nothing more than to take a bite out of her.

Then she shrugged. Well, whatever, as long as he at least kissed her first. I mean, really, if the price for a kiss was getting her soul eaten, at least she'd die happy, right?

Sebastian smirked at her as if he knew what she was thinking, and she had a brief mental freak out as she frantically tried to remember if demons could read minds, but then she remembered that they couldn't, and she started breathing again.

She smirked right back at him, though she was sure she didn't look half as sexy and provocative as he did when she did it, mostly because she hadn't been sexy or provocative much in her life. After a couple beers, she became quite popular, but that's how it was with drunken, teenaged parties, wasn't it?

Before anything could happen-not that anything necessarily would have, but who knows how things would've turned out-a couple random people showed up. Okay, not random people, two very well-known, un-random people, both blond with British accents, one a boy of around nineteen who looked very vain and had such an amazing UP-do that it just made you want to laugh out loud, the other a tall, slender, gorgeous blond woman with wavy hair and a mischievous grin. Lia's mouth fell open in complete and utter shock. Here were Tanith and Fletcher, the only two people in Skulduggery Pleasant that she might actually want to date (Valkyrie and Skulduggery-ew. And let's not even get into the whole ValDuggery thing-oh god, he didn't even have the necessities!) standing right in front of her, looking as hot as if they had just stepped right off the front cover of a porn magazine. And here was Lia, flirting around with an EXTREMELY hot demon butler and not even noticing them until they were practically right next to her! She couldn't believe herself!

...Well, she could, but really! She just couldn't!

Oh god, how was she supposed to do this? How could she choose between her favorite anime, Kuroshitsuji, and her favorite book, Skulduggery Pleasant? They were both so... amazing, wonderful, and this was the absolute best thing that had ever happened to her. Well, besides when she was finally adopted at age seven, but really, how could that even come close to beating this?

She decided that, if she was to survive this encounter, she would have to choose two of them to ship and one of them for her. But who? Well, it was obvious that Sebby wouldn't exactly be faithful, but he would definitely be good in bed-he was a demon. How could he not be?-but then there was Tanith. Lia wasn't actually lesbian or bi, as far as she knew, but that didn't stop her from wanting to kiss, or, at the very least, go out on a date with, Tanith. Maybe that did make her lesbian...

But Fletcher! He was just... just... Fletcher! Graagh! How was she to choose?

She walked over to Valkyrie and finally just asked to hold the baby. She wouldn't have to choose anyone, not now that she had the baby! The baby was now hers! Mwahahaha! And she didn't even feel bad about abandoning all the hot ones-actually, Hot Ones, like it's a title-over there by themselves so that they could procreate-wait, what? Where did that come from? She wanted to procreate with them! Grr...

She looked down at the baby. It had rather thick eyebrows that it knew how to use, glaring up at Lia as if she had just eaten it's-oh wait, the baby was a girl, so her-stuffed unicorn or something. Lia knew that if anyone ate her stuffed unicorn, she would kill them. Just kill them. She wouldn't even hesitate.

"What is it?" she asked the baby, as if it could actually talk back. The baby stuck its tongue out at her, then threw up all over her shirt. She promptly handed it back to Valkyrie. "She's all yours," she said dryly, looking down at her now disgusting shoulder.

Valkyrie smirked at her. "Good, you burped her for me."

Lia flipped Valkyrie off before going to buy another shirt.

**A/N Short chapter! Deal! I felt that I just HAD to finally update after such a long time... O.O Maybe I shouldn't have four ongoing fanfics at the same time? ...Nah, of course that's not the reason! ;)**


	5. A Short and Annoying Intermission

**Sadly, this is not an update. This is A PETITION. I'm pretty sure it's about lemons. XD Well, I will honestly admit that I kind of like a nice lemon after a marathon of Korean Dramas and such, plus, it's like a strike. It means that I get to grab a wrench and laughingly throw it at someone. So this is why I will be posting this and then probably a chapter, maybe closer to January because it's Christmas and I've got a cousin coming over that I need to kidnap. SO DEAL! XD**

Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site.

Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.

For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that I believe violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in its original form, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable.

It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.

If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.

While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.

For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.

Psudocode_Samurai

Rocketman1728

dracohalo117

VFSNAKE

Agato the Venom Host

Jay Frost

SamCrow

Blood Brandy

Dusk666

Hisea Ori

The Dark Graven

BlackRevenant

Lord Orion Salazar Black

Sakusha Saelbu

Horocrux

socras01

Kumo no Makoto

Biskoff

Korraganitar the NightShadow

NightInk

Lazruth

ragnrock kyuubi

SpiritWriterXXX

Ace6151

FleeingReality

Harufu

Exiled crow

Slifer1988

Dee Laynter

Angeldoctor

Final Black Getsuga

ZamielRaizunto

Fenris187

blood enraged

arashiXnoXkami

Masane Amaha's King

Blueexorist

Nero Angelo Sparda

Uzunaru999

The Next Muse

Yumiko21

Asmileadaykeepmeway

Youwillnotstopme

Firewillburn

917brat

Smokkis

Heaven'sKnight15

Myrna Maeve

Epic F. Awesomesauce


End file.
